My Story ~

 

I became a mother at the young age of 23. I was not only faced with the momentous task of motherhood, but was also trying to stay in a relationship that was unhealthy and toxic. I found myself supremely unhappy. I could never quite find the emotional balance I needed and consistently blamed my partner for my discomfort in life. I was angry, resentful, and often reactive, saying and doing things that weren’t kind. I felt like I had been handed a bad set of cards and that I just had to “deal” with the rotten hand.

 

You see, at a very early age, my power had been taken away from me. As most young girls in this culture, I was taught not to believe in my own strength. I was taught that feminine qualities like intuition, nurturing, vulnerability, sensitivity, and empathy were not valuable. I did not believe that those qualities that were so natural to me were as worthy as the masculine traits like leadership, independence, assertiveness, physical strength, and linear thinking. I bought into the idea that men and their tendency toward the more masculine qualities, knew better than me. Ugh, this makes me cringe to imagine now.

 

Because I wasn’t taught to trust myself, I didn’t know how to listen deeply. Instead, I allowed myself to be easily manipulated and to believe other people’s opinions over my own. I didn’t know how to say no without feeling guilty as hell, but then would get resentful if I did things I didn’t want to do, blaming the other person for “making me”. I gave my power away by believing that I had no control.

 

Being fully invested in the fairy-tale narrative I was conditioned to believe, I expected my partner to fulfill some sort of non-existent fantasy, which made it impossible for me to stay content when he failed to perform perfectly or when his wounding would get into the mix. My trigger of unworthiness was constantly stimulated and caused a cycle of pain that continued to make me feel hopeless and powerless.

 

How could any negativity be my fault if I had no power to begin with? By allowing others to make decisions and trusting them over myself, I had found a way out of being responsible. What did I need to be accountable for if I had no power?

 

All I could see was that another person was “making me” feel a certain way. My impatience, frustration, and resentment grew to astronomical degrees so that I could hardly recognize myself. I was so blinded by my concept of victimhood that I could not see that I actually did have an affect on those around me. In my lack of empowerment, I somehow thought that I was invisible and that none of my words or actions mattered.

 

I was incapable of being vulnerable. I was too scared and too convinced that I was a victim to show my dark, wounded side to anyone, including myself. I didn’t know how to be intimate because I was too afraid of what would be revealed if I opened up.

 

It took admitting that I was disempowered to finally crack the door open to my vulnerability. Once I began to recognize the strength of my own truth, I slowly began to see all the ways that my lack of belief in myself was holding me back and creating disharmony all around me. I became aware that I wasn’t living the life I wanted to be and didn't have the amazing relationships I so desired – and I stopped blaming others for my problems. I stopped expecting other people to “fix” me.

 

This journey took time, patience, and persistence. Changing habits is not easy – but it IS possible. I found that reclaiming my sacred body wisdom through embodied practices like dance, yoga, breath work, and meditation gave me the gift of practicing self-acceptance and true presence. Learning how to empathize with and honor my feelings allowed me to slow down my inner process and become empowered in my needs, moment to moment. I started to own what my triggers were and understand that my core wounding from childhood had a lot to do with them, not so much the person I was blaming.

 

As I was better able to see my old wounds, I started to break down the limiting beliefs that were keeping me from the love and life I wanted. This questioning led me to release years of resentment I had carried from painful experiences with my parents, siblings, and past partners. I began to cultivate deep empathy for those who I had previously deemed as “wrong”, realizing that they too were living from a place of hurt and had their own unique set of unhealthy patterns and beliefs that were driving them.

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I also learned how to set appropriate boundaries and to discern what was and wasn't healthy for me. I started to listen to my intuition and to trust it. 

 

Shining light on previously unseen areas of my life gave me the power to re-write my own life story and has shown me how incredible neuroplasticity truly is. We CAN re-wire our brains for happiness, presence, self-worth, inspiration, and fearlessness.

 

I will always be growing and learning, especially now that I understand first hand that it is ALWAYS possible to shift my perspective and re-wire my beliefs. Owning my power was a vulnerable act. It gave me the strength to have true intimacy, first and foremost, with myself. I am nearly fearless in my vulnerability because I know that I want to be connected in deep ways to those I love. And, I want to set an example that our feminine unseen emotions and inner landscape are just as important as the measurable masculine qualities that have taken the stage for way too long now.

 

I listen to my intuition and trust the messages that come through that keep me steady on my path. I’m unafraid to admit when I’m wrong (a highly vulnerable act!) and have become radically honest because I can {feel in my body} the little white lies I tell, especially when I tell them to myself. My body does not lie.